FW: Jokes On Being FRUGAL =)

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Philippine Heart Center in Manila for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally,
so, the call went out to a number of provinces.

Finally an Ilocano was located who had a similar blood type.
The Ilocano willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Ilocano as appreciation for giving his blood,
a new Toyota, diamonds & a million US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a
corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Ilocano who was more than happy to
donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Ilocano a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Ilocano was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his
Kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again,
that you would give me a Toyota, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.

To this the Arab replied: “Manong, I now have Ilocano blood in my veins”.

Funeral FUNNY! =)

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”

Sunday HUMOR =)

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
‘I know what the Bible means!’
His father smiled and replied, ‘What do you mean, you ‘know’
What the Bible means?
The son replied, ‘I do know!’
‘Okay,’ said his father. ‘What does the Bible mean?’
‘That’s easy, Daddy…’ the young boy replied excitedly,’ It stands for
‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’
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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
‘Is there anything breakable in here?’ asked the postal clerk.
‘Only the Ten Commandments.’ answered the lady.

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‘Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
‘Good morning, Lord,’ and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
‘Good Lord, it’s morning.’
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.
Then, he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
‘I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment.
Forgive us our trespasses.’
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note
‘I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation.’

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
‘I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.’

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign…
‘Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.’
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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
‘Reverend,’ said the young man, ‘I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.’
The minister chuckled,
‘I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.’

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People want the front of the bus,
The back of the church,
And
The centre of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered,
‘Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.’
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.
He said,
‘Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.’

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
‘Here’s a copy of the service,’ he said impatiently. ‘But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.’
During the service, the minister paused and said,
‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.’
At that moment, the substitute organist played,
‘O Canada.’

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

R18 Jokes? Joke! =)

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Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: “Are you FREE tonight?
The sexy sceretary replies: “Sir, ha…. please it’s not free… I’ll just give you a discount!”

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Stewardess: Do you want a drink, sir?
Sir : What are my choices:
Stewardess: Yes or No

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A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, ” What are NITRATES?”
The student replied shyly, “Ma’am, in the motel, NITRATES are higher that day rates!”

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What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Answer: Girl friend – post paid, Call gril – prepaid, Wife – unlimited.

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A farmer went to the river and saw 5 NUDE grls swimming.

The girls protested, “We are not coming out until you leave!”

Farmer: “It is OK, I am here to feed the crocodiles.”

Jokes On: BEING A PHILOSOPHER, Etc. =)

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Jokes On: HEAVEN =)

Heaven’s Entrance Exam :

A man dies and goes to Heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into Heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St. Peter. “That’s certainly worth a point.”

“One point?!!” “I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.

“Two points!?!!” Exasperated, the man cries. “At this rate the only way I’ll get into Heaven is by the grace of God.”

“Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!”

Jokes On: Logic Versus Legal =)

After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization”, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an “A” for the exam. ”

Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.”

Jokes On: Business Trips+ =)

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

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During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t talk for an hour? The hubby replied: “Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.”
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Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his old man. “Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years.”

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A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, “Hmm… That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.” The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn’t have any change for a reward.”
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Jokes on: Being Pregnant Unexpectedly =)

‘A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant.

Scared, she confides this ‘news’ to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house;

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: ‘Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take responsibility.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’

At this point, the father, who had remained silent,

places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,

”

‘

‘

‘

‘

‘

‘

‘You can try again! ‘

=)

Battle of DETERGENTS =)

~ ~ ~ On Ariel and Tide ~ ~ ~

Promoter: Misis, kapag pinaghalo ang Ariel at Tide, bubula kaya?

Misis: Aba, siyempre!

Promoter: Mali!

Misis: Bakit naman?

Promoter: Wala pang tubig, excited ka? =)

Got this joke from a friend. Check http://angelmeg9.blogspot.com for more. Ciao! =)