FW: Jokes On Being FRUGAL =)

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Philippine Heart Center in Manila for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally,
so, the call went out to a number of provinces.

Finally an Ilocano was located who had a similar blood type.
The Ilocano willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Ilocano as appreciation for giving his blood,
a new Toyota, diamonds & a million US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a
corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Ilocano who was more than happy to
donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Ilocano a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Ilocano was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his
Kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again,
that you would give me a Toyota, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.

To this the Arab replied: “Manong, I now have Ilocano blood in my veins”.

Funeral FUNNY! =)

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”

Sunday HUMOR =)

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
‘I know what the Bible means!’
His father smiled and replied, ‘What do you mean, you ‘know’
What the Bible means?
The son replied, ‘I do know!’
‘Okay,’ said his father. ‘What does the Bible mean?’
‘That’s easy, Daddy…’ the young boy replied excitedly,’ It stands for
‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’
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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
‘Is there anything breakable in here?’ asked the postal clerk.
‘Only the Ten Commandments.’ answered the lady.

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‘Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
‘Good morning, Lord,’ and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
‘Good Lord, it’s morning.’
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.
Then, he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
‘I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment.
Forgive us our trespasses.’
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note
‘I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation.’

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
‘I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.’

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign…
‘Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.’
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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
‘Reverend,’ said the young man, ‘I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.’
The minister chuckled,
‘I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.’

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People want the front of the bus,
The back of the church,
And
The centre of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered,
‘Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.’
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.
He said,
‘Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.’

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
‘Here’s a copy of the service,’ he said impatiently. ‘But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.’
During the service, the minister paused and said,
‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.’
At that moment, the substitute organist played,
‘O Canada.’

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

R18 Jokes? Joke! =)

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Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: “Are you FREE tonight?
The sexy sceretary replies: “Sir, ha…. please it’s not free… I’ll just give you a discount!”

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Stewardess: Do you want a drink, sir?
Sir : What are my choices:
Stewardess: Yes or No

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A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, ” What are NITRATES?”
The student replied shyly, “Ma’am, in the motel, NITRATES are higher that day rates!”

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What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Answer: Girl friend – post paid, Call gril – prepaid, Wife – unlimited.

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A farmer went to the river and saw 5 NUDE grls swimming.

The girls protested, “We are not coming out until you leave!”

Farmer: “It is OK, I am here to feed the crocodiles.”

Irrespective of the direction of the wind…

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Well done is better than well said.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.

Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIENDS and RELATIVES.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Jokes On: COMPUTER WOMAN =)

INTERNET woman: Woman of difficult access. SERVER woman: Always busy when you need her. WINDOWS woman: Everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her. EXCEL woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs. SCREENSAVER woman: She is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun! RAM woman: She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her. HARD-DISK woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER. MULTIMEDIA woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful. USER woman: She messes up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs. CD-ROM woman: She is always faster and faster. E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense. VIRUS woman: Also known as “wife”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

JOKES ON: Beauty Pageants =)

Best of the Best Beauty Pageant Boo Boos

Host : What was the very first gift that you gave to your girlfriend?
Male Contestant    :   Uhmm…taptoy.
Host   :   What taptoy?
Male Contestant  :  Taptoy na teddy bird.

_____
Host :  What’s your ideal age for marriage?
Girl   :   Uhm, uhm, I am not sure….
Host :  Hindi, kunwari ikaw, more or less.
Girl   :  Uhmm… more.  (Crowd booing… ) Sige, Sige. Less,
less….
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Host  :  If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to
showcase the beauty of
the Philippines?
Girl Contestant :   Bocaue.
Host  :   Bocaue.  Why Bocaue?  There are so many places in the
Philippines?  Why Bocaue?
Girl    :   Because it’s a magnificent place.
Host  :   Which part of Bocaue?
Girl    :   The Bocaue Rice Terraces.
(Banawe Kaya Yon!!)
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Host   :   How would you like me to address you?
Contestant   :  My address is Project 8, Quezon City.

_____
Host  :    What is your best feature?
Contestant   :   My graduation feature.

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Host  :    So tell us, why did join this contest?
Contestant  :  Me, join this contest, why did I. Thank you!

_____
Host   :     What do you want to be after you graduate?
Contestant    :    I want to be a successful Medicine.

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Host  :    What is your favorite motto?
Contestant   :   (After a long pause)  I don’t have a motto eh.
(So the crowd starts helping  her out.  The crowd starts
saying ‘Time is gold! Time is gold!’)
Contestant  :  I have na po.  Chinese gold!

_____
Host  :  If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person,
how would you do it?’
Contestant  :   That’s a very good question. Keep it up.  (Then the
girl turns and walks away.)

_____
Host   :   So, you’re vegetarian, what is your favorite vegetable?
Contestant   :    I like potatoes, tomatoes, beans and what’s that?
KALABASH?

_____
Host  :    What is your motto?
Contestant   :  Actor!  (Everyone starts laughing.)  Aay, actress
pala.

_____
Host  :  Who is your favorite fictional character?
Girl    :  JOSE RIZAL! (Crowd starts laughing.)
Host  :  Who is your favorite hero then?
Girl    :  Hulk Hogan.

_____
Host  : If you were to become a superhero, what would your power be?
Girl Contestant   :    Uhmm… a bumble bee!

_____
Host  :  What is your edge over the other contestants?
Girl Contestant :   My edge…. 23 years old.

_____
Host  : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
Girl    : Between 24 and 25!

_____
Host  :  How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Girl    :  I’ll be 28.

_____
Host  : Describe your love one in three words.
Girl    : Kahit nga po 1 word, kaya ko.
Host  : OK, sige!
Girl    : In one word, MY LIFE!
_____
Host  :  So you like reading, who’s your favorite author?
Girl    :  Uhmm, Shakespeare.
Host  :  What works of Shakespeare?
Girl    :  Hindi ko po alam eh.
Host  :  But he’s your favorite.
Girl    :  Eh kasi patay na sya eh.
_____
Host  :   What is  the biggest problem facing the youth today?
Girl    :   Drugs.
Host  :   Why?
Girl    :   Mahal eh!
_____
Host   :  What makes you blush?
Girl     :  Blush on!
_____
Host  :  Hey, I heard you almost didn’t make it, how did you get
here?  Did you ride or did you walk?
Gay Contestant  :   Of course, did you ride.  What do you think of

me, did you walk?

Jokes On: CATS and DOGS =)

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to ‘Where do pets come from?’

Adam said, ‘Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.’And God said ‘No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.’

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.

And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

And God said, ‘No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.’

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.’

And the Lord said, ‘No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.’

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t care one way or the other.

Jokes On: Logic Versus Legal =)

After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization”, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an “A” for the exam. ”

Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.”

Jokes On: Business Trips+ =)

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

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During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t talk for an hour? The hubby replied: “Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.”
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Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his old man. “Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years.”

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A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, “Hmm… That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.” The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn’t have any change for a reward.”
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